September 2005
Hairspray is back on my shopping list. A simple statement but it carries great significance. It means finally after the first few sprigs of hair sprouted last Christmas, nine months later my hair has grown to a length that can be styled. Once again I have a hairdo. Amazingly, my hair grew out into a style that looks like it was intentionally with layers. I testify that God styled my hair for me with its layers and new thickness. It is wonderful not to feel like a chemo freak anymore and to blend in amongst the norm.
It is interesting the difference reactions I receive. Many remark on my hair. Some people don’t say a word. Maybe they think it would bother me. I love talking about having hair again. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops. I have hair and I really like it! It does seem thicker, just like I wanted. The final word on that was my brother-in-law. When he said it was thicker, the verdict was in for me. His comments are significant because he usually is a man of few words. My natural curl survived and I am styling my hair without curlers. Nice and easy!
Friday, September 1, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Weepy and generally falling apart
May 10, 2005
I have been trying to shake off an overwhelming case of depression the last few days. I can’t explain why I am depressed. It seems senseless now when I am almost done with all my cancer treatment. It took me half the day on Saturday to get myself out to do my errands. Tears seem close to the surface and I am afraid of losing it.
I don’t really even want to write about today but in fairness to accurately charting my journey I must include all parts; the good, bad and the ugly. During radiation, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I couldn’t get a grip. Unfortunately, it was the day I see the doctor. The tears kept coming. I didn’t even know exactly why I was crying. My blood pressure, usually a healthy 120/80 was 150/98.
I tried to think what was triggering my emotional state and thought of a couple of things. I have been worrying about my husband and his health issues with his diabetes. Also, our state is making changes that may affect my health insurance coverage or cause me to lose it completely. And I am weary of feeling ugly with barely any hair and the weight gain of pounds I worked so hard to get off. But why couldn’t I control myself until I got out of the building? I felt like a fool for crying in front of everyone. I don’t want to be known as the breast cancer basket case.
Also, today I noticed significant swelling in my right arm. I don’t think I was crying about that because I felt weepy before my arm swelled. But having lymph edema show up now is quite upsetting. It is most likely due to the radiation of the area where my lymph nodes were. The doctor is scheduling me for massage therapy instruction and lymph edema management at Siskin Rehab. I may have to wear a constricting sleeve that helps to push the collected lymphatic fluids back out of the arm. I have seen a couple of women wearing a sleeve since I was diagnosised with breast cancer. It is not attractive and can be quite uncomfortable in the summertime. One more thing to cope with and discouragingly, a lifetime effort.
Here is how I really feel this minute. I want my cancer free days back. I want my lymph nodes back. I want my thinner body back. I want my hair back. I want my easy mobility back. I want to go back to being like everyone else.
May 11, 2005
Everyone at the hospital asked me how I was today. It is kind of them to do so but I find the extra attention embarrassing.
I have been trying to shake off an overwhelming case of depression the last few days. I can’t explain why I am depressed. It seems senseless now when I am almost done with all my cancer treatment. It took me half the day on Saturday to get myself out to do my errands. Tears seem close to the surface and I am afraid of losing it.
I don’t really even want to write about today but in fairness to accurately charting my journey I must include all parts; the good, bad and the ugly. During radiation, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I couldn’t get a grip. Unfortunately, it was the day I see the doctor. The tears kept coming. I didn’t even know exactly why I was crying. My blood pressure, usually a healthy 120/80 was 150/98.
I tried to think what was triggering my emotional state and thought of a couple of things. I have been worrying about my husband and his health issues with his diabetes. Also, our state is making changes that may affect my health insurance coverage or cause me to lose it completely. And I am weary of feeling ugly with barely any hair and the weight gain of pounds I worked so hard to get off. But why couldn’t I control myself until I got out of the building? I felt like a fool for crying in front of everyone. I don’t want to be known as the breast cancer basket case.
Also, today I noticed significant swelling in my right arm. I don’t think I was crying about that because I felt weepy before my arm swelled. But having lymph edema show up now is quite upsetting. It is most likely due to the radiation of the area where my lymph nodes were. The doctor is scheduling me for massage therapy instruction and lymph edema management at Siskin Rehab. I may have to wear a constricting sleeve that helps to push the collected lymphatic fluids back out of the arm. I have seen a couple of women wearing a sleeve since I was diagnosised with breast cancer. It is not attractive and can be quite uncomfortable in the summertime. One more thing to cope with and discouragingly, a lifetime effort.
Here is how I really feel this minute. I want my cancer free days back. I want my lymph nodes back. I want my thinner body back. I want my hair back. I want my easy mobility back. I want to go back to being like everyone else.
May 11, 2005
Everyone at the hospital asked me how I was today. It is kind of them to do so but I find the extra attention embarrassing.
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