I am mad at you God!

July 26, 2004
Today I found out I have cancer in my lymph nodes.

Interesting that I started my cancer journal on February 26th, 2004 with the words, “Today I found out I have breast cancer. “ Here it is five months later to the date and the news is not much better. I have barely written in this journal for over four months. Either I gave it up because of denial, mind exhaustion from thinking about cancer constantly or I was not willing to share my thoughts out loud anymore. Or maybe it was all of the above. These last four months fluctuated between days of frustration and cold stark fear in the back of my mind, which usually surfaces in the middle of the night, and then the beautiful contrast of many moments of regular routine, which I totally love and crave. Today’s news will change all that. I expect my life will not be my own for the next six months at least.

I went to see my radiologist at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Center this morning. He is in charge of the center and is the doctor who will be in charge of my radiation treatments. I had sentinel lymph node mapping done on the 22nd and my surgeon removed three lymph nodes. I asked what my pathology report was and the doctor secured my report. I knew something was wrong when he looked at the paperwork and said he needed to ask the pathologist a question. I figured if the report had said clear he wouldn’t have had any questions.

Sure enough, the radiologist came back with the news I didn’t want to hear. “Out of the three lymph nodes, two were involved.” He continued to talk and I interrupted. “What do you mean involved?” Oh, I knew. But I felt like making him say it. Just tell me. Your lymph nodes are cancerous. Why does anyone think the news will be easier to take if it is cloaked in camouflage words like “involved” instead of “invaded” or “infected?”

Well, the good news is that one lymph node is only “involved” nine millimeters and the other one is only “involved” three millimeters.
To be brutally honest, that doesn’t sound like any good news to me. The good news had previously been that my tumor was small and the perimeters were clear. So how did I get from that good news to this good news?

I can hear a thousand expressions of sympathy from people but it doesn’t take this trial away. I can hear a thousand prayers are being said for me but I will still walk alone. It will be me that goes through it. Everyone else will be on the outer edge but I’ll be the only one right in the middle of it.

I do not want to go on this journey but I know I have no choice. I feel very mad at God for this. I feel like my life for the last few months was built on false hope. And He let me down! All that early detection crap I’ve heard and relied on has taken me to the place I didn’t want to be. Now I am going to have to have another surgery and have more lymph nodes taken, do chemo and then radiation. I am going to go through the whole horrible process. I fatalistically expect that down the line there will be more bad news. I’ll likely have all the complications that can come with chemo, lymph node removal and radiation. I base it on my past experience. I am living proof of it right now. It was unexpected for a small tumor to have lymph node involvement.

So tomorrow I go to another new doctor. An oncologist who specializes in chemotherapy. All breast cancer patients lose their hair. For years I have always said I would not do chemotherapy, if the situation arose. Now I have to reconsider that because that is what everyone, the medical field, my family and friends expect me to do.

My poor family, I hate it that they have to go through this. My husband says he will take it one day at a time. Maybe he will have to do that for both of us. My daughters are having the happy life they deserve but now they will have to deal with a sick mother.

My poor little bride to be. Her wedding is in December. These last few months were to be a happy time of planning a wedding. She deserved to have a Mom in it with her like her sisters did. I will be weak, tired, bald and aged by effects of treatment.

OK, God. You allowed this in my life. You need to help me get through it. Because right now, I feel totally let down, betrayed, without hope and defeated. As my Dad reminded me, you were not surprised this morning with this news. So since you weren’t surprised by the lymph node news, you aren’t surprised at my reaction. You knew I would feel these feelings. So even though you feel a billion trillion miles away, I know you hear me. And I need your help. My inner voice is screaming at you God. My fists are clenched and I am shouting at you through my tears, WHY? WHY? WHY?